Little Red Riding Hood

[Jeff]

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the
edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would
probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study
them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as"mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house. She said, "But mother, won't this be
stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn
the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and
gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to
oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were
free "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's
work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior
to what some people called"health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she
could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother,
and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but
Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural
paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as
an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in
fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of
thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society
all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted
as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to
find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she
was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose
to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of
solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist
remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused
you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from
slavish adherence to linear, Western- style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his
nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role
notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and
awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing
matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might
see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, and what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her
poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must
request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf
was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the
same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement
scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an
FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
'Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm,
well padded back, gave a little belch, and said

"Do you have any Maalox?"