Star Trek VIII - The Voyage Home

[speed]

Episode 1
---------
[In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen...
apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party]

Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three
----------------------------------------------------------
The "end of adventure" party seemed to go quite well on the whole..
though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully
into the spirit of the occasion.....He seemed to spend most of the
time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation
ducts..which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a
ship's science officer.....I wonder what he's up to...

Scotty: [not very enthusiastically] "..emm..Thanks for the socks
captain" [He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on
unit for the ship's engines......]

Jim: "...a pleasure Scotty...Thought I'd get you something practical
for your birthday" [As it was to become apparent in a future adventure
the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much
more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives
the captain more choice over what warp factor to use...but also would
have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battlecruisers which
ultimately destroyed it.]

Scotty: "Hmmm"

Sulu: "...oh yes...and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total
buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me...it
looks fun to use..."
[This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of
reasons:
1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind (and for that matter in
the minds of the rest of the crew) over the issue of whether he was
the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case..could he be
trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon?

2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also
responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a
pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful.

Jim: "Don't mention it Sulu..."

Spock: "Jim....I urge you to take some action over this tribble
situation"

Jim: "Look Spock....for the tenth time...There are NO tribbles on the
ship...you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any"

Spock: "They're spreading like wild-fire through the ventilation
system! There must be thousands of them in there now."

Jim: "Spock...get back to your duties....I'll hear no more of this
tribble nonsense."

Spock: [looking exasperated] "...oh very well...." [He trudges over to
his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work.....but
every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation
ducts and mutters to himself]

Jim: "Right Sulu.....give us warp factor 6. Direction...Well sort of
point us in the general direction of Earth....we're going home.."

Scotty: [muttering] "..warp factor 6...Huh!....we could be doing warp
factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter...."

Jim: "What was that Scotty?"

Scotty: "Oh...emm...nothing..."

Jim: "Uhura....open all hailing frequencies......and patch me through
to Starfleet Command back on Earth....There's something I've been
meaning to ask them for quite a while.."

Uhura: [boredly] "..hailing frequencies open, sir..."

Jim: "This is Captain James T.Kirk of the Federation Starship
Enterprise."

Starfleet Command: "Go ahead Kirk...we read you loud and clear"

Jim: "Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering
me for some time....How is it that the ship can go much faster than
light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this
radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?"

Starfleet Command: [Silence]

[Twelve days later]

Uhura: "Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain"

Jim: "At last..."

Starfleet Command: "You bloody idiot Kirk!...you utter utter
idiot!..we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the
series but you had to go and open your big mouth...."

Uhura: "Message ends, Captain..."

Jim: ".....ah....emmm.....right...I think we'll forget about our
return to Earth at the moment...They sound a little upset....Sulu take
us to the Sirius Alpha sector....we haven't been there for a while..."

[At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to
work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average,
knowing that it met a message travelling out from

Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers
on a postcard to me....cos I'd damn well like to know]

Sulu: "Aye Aye, sir.."

Spock: "Captain...our two day distance from Earth has brought us
within Federation parcel post range.....Ensign Johnson down in the
transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you..."

Jim: "Ah!...that'll be my new beer making kit....great!"

[Sheeesh]
[Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package]

Jim: [looking disappointed] "Aw!....it's the damned Reader's Digest...
'Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you
have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes
you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could
be on the way to winning a super slimline speedboat, five hang-gliders
or a super deluxe home beer making kit.....'"

Spock: "Go on Jim....scratch off the panels....I can't stand the
excitement"

Jim: "Surprise surprise....I've won a major prize....AGAIN......."
[He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command
chair waste basket and yawns] "Well maybe something exciting will
happen in next week's episode...."