Men - a chemical analysis

[Louise]

Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be
as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
c) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes
with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.
Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

[Falcon]

Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to
550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
such as diamonds, rubies and
sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.

HAZARDS

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other.