Proper perspective

[fire]

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN.
OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and
since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement
room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply
in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet,
but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason for
the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught
it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis
and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in
History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the
proper perspective.

Yours-
Your Loving Daughter