Men Vs Women

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HOW MEN AND WOMEN DIFFER.....

SIMPLY PUT...WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE.....

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged.

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as
the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all
men have made at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
rarely prove effective.

Men always seem to be sure they have met the "one". Women on the
other hand always think that there's going to be a better "one" coming
along.

Men spend all their best efforts to catch the girl and then they lose
interest when the hunt is over. Women don't have any interest in the
man who is chasing her, but then they spend all their best efforts
keeping the relationship together when it starts!

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function
as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of sexy women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of sexy women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Most of men's bodies elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's"
with circles and hearts.
Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "q's." It is a
royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited;
they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their
eyes and groan and wait it out.

Women will laugh at the antics of characters who remind them of men
they know. The men will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and
a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress
shoes. 5 minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under
the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for
the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...

CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man in vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail....

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".

Men talk about "the bachelor party".

SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles,
that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on
the back.

EATING OUT:
and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors , spoons, store windows, toasters,
Joe Garagiola's head.

THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning
home she will call the same friend and they will talk for 3 hours.

DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and,
"I know I'm in the general neighborhood, I recognize that 7-11
store"

ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails
on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps and
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always
end up taking better pictures.

GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.

HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

WORK SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her
feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

OTHER SHOES:
Women have millions of shoes, one for every outfit.

Men have millions of shoes, one for every sport or athletic activity.

MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses
Vivian Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when the entire 3rd floor of the research lab blows up
but the terminator drives out in "Terminator II".

In general, women like movies with more romance than competition and
violence (which they call "Male Testosterone Movies"). Men like
movies with more competition and violence than romance (which they
call "Chick Flicks").

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more
than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator
glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.

MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of
nicknames. If Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and
Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and
Useless.

HAIRCUTS:
For men haircuts are a short and simple process: make an appointment,
go in, come out with your hair slightly shorter.

For women the process is much more complicated. First, numerous hair
styles, colorings and lengths must be considered. The only
hairstylist in the world they trust must be reserved. The whole
process is filled with excitement and worry. And finally she hides
from the world for several days because she is not sure if she likes
her new haircut.

SPORTS:
Women like sports that are judged on grace and beauty, such as
gymnastics and figure skating.

Men like sports that are judged on physical aggression and violence,
such as football, hockey and boxing. Any man caught doing gymnastics
or figure skating would be labelled a pansy, sissy, or "that" guy.

There are no sports that both men and women enjoy. Full contact
gymnastics never got off the ground.